dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
