then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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