I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
