what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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