Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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