Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
