I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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