I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
are you so shy because you have an std?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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