And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
