I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
