I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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