I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
