the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We have started to decorate penises.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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