Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize