On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
