I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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