And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
