Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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