I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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