R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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