i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
