I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
