I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They have beer where we have blood.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
