I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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