I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize