Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
