Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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