My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Are we still banned from the library?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
