I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Drake has all the answers
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
