FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
