i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So vagazzling was a success
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
