I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
