no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
