Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
