Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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