I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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