there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
