I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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