I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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