First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
