My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
