How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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