Tell her she can't have a vagina
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
4 words: hood of his car
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
