the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
