The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
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