There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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