Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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