shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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