I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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