remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
