i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
