uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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