I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
