She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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