I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
