Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
