anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
