did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
