It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Are we still banned from the library?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
