I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
