i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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