The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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