i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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